If there's one thing that I've heard a lot about throughout my twenty four years of life, it's how much I've changed. My maturity, my fashion sense, my exercise regimes, my diet, my hobbies, my interests, my academic level, are all things that I have been told have changed about me.
It's understandable that throughout the years my maturity would have changed, it would have grown. Life lessons would have been thrown at me, and from each of these I would have benefited from knowing where my mistakes lay, and what my good choices were, and I would have learned from them, and helped make it shape me.
Growing older makes it inevitable that my knowledge of academia is going to have expanded. I take too much of an interest in education for it not to, whether it's through actual courses, or my own independent research, my knowledge is always going to be improved.
Naturally from this, my hobbies and interests are also going to change. I'll run out of time for some of my older hobbies, but I'll discover new, exciting ones. Life is for living, and to experience a little of everything sometimes it's necessary to drop one hobby for the sake of picking up a new one. But how else do I get the full impact of discovering (and being happy with) who I am?
Alas, as age goes forth so will my availability to find time to exercise and create balanced, healthy meals. I find this is one of those things that I end up quickly adapting to, my career choice, and financial setting always making an impact on such a thing. But over all, I tend to keep in good enough shape and eat enough vegetables.
My fashion sense, however, is like a piece of art for me. It's whatever I'm in the mood for.
Some days, I wanna wear a pair of skinny jeans or short shorts with a baggy jumper over it, sometimes I wanna wear a flowery dress, sometimes I wanna wear colours that mismatch, and sometimes I wanna wear colours that go well. Some days I want to wear a tight butt enhancing skirt, with a cleavage revealing top, sometimes I want to go a little more adventurous and seek out my inner creative and dress a bit more alternative, spicing it up with corsets, or dresses enhanced with bows. My body is a canvas, and I am a creator. I'm too creative to get stuck with being in the mundane, I know how to stay grounded, mature, sophisticated, but also how to be lively, colourful, understanding and hopeful.
Here's an example of just how much my fashion sense changes, and moulds to my mood like a chameleon (you'll notice it's the same with my hair and make up too!)
Clearly, rocking the whole 'screw you I won't do what you tell me, but I'll look super cute' since I was about two. Can I get a loud awww????
Puberty wasn't so great to me, I spent up until about the age of fourteen looking like a boy (and ginger too). Thankfully, by the time of my prom, at the age of sixteen, I was looking fairly much more female and rocking out my own alternative style. Eye masks are way cool, man!
Being sixteen also meant being free to just express myself however I chose, pretending I was a Victorian witch being one of them!Being fifteen meant playing rugby with the guys, having extremely long hair, and moaning about the fact that school has closed off half the playing fields (which my friends kept 're-opening' by jumping at the plastic green fences and knocking them down). Rebel is cool?
Being between the ages of twenty and twenty one meant buying my own clothes (that weren't always from Peacocks or charity shops) and experimenting more with my hair and make up!
Being twenty one and a recent graduate gave me more time to reflect, and experiment.
Being twenty one also meant witnessing my friends drift on, whether it was to study a masters, settle down into a career or start a family. Twenty one meant feeling alone and a little blue, and twenty one meant foolishly entering a relationship with someone who on the first date was texting an ex saying that he missed them. It meant sticking with that person for too long, despite the fact he tried to 'teach me how to kiss better', was fixated with technology and incorrect science (Zeitgeist, aliens), didn't do chores or cook often, and was as lazy as they came, allergic to going for walks or to adventuring into a museum without somehow twisting it to involve technology. Twenty one was the year in which I was so lonely I put up with feeling like crap, and tried to convince myself it would work because it had to. Because it was better than being alone. Twenty one was the year of screaming matches, coldness to the point of no longer crying, and just generally feeling indifferent. Twenty one was the year of getting engaged, pissing a lot of people off and feeling bad about having done so knowing I wasn't even in love (so no one was winning). It was the year of having a fifteen pound engagement ring from a guy who spent two grand on a computer, it was the year of lying to my friends and claiming it was because it was made of my favourite gem- rose quartz, but in reality that was just a coincidence. The only thought that had gone into it was to beat the fact he'd been engaged before in a bid not to lose me, because we had little in common.
Twenty two was the year in which I started to gain myself back, and went back out to walking along canals, researching history, visiting museums, writing poetry. It was having deeper connections with platonic friends, and it was the year in which I lost my full time job, struggled to pay bills, cried for many hours over feeling guilty, and it was the year in which I ran for the hills when the guy I was engaged to approached the subject of having kids. It was the year I realised, I couldn't continue to lie to myself. Twenty two was the year in which I took this picture, with a forced expression with a cheap ring on show. Twenty two was the year I'd take it off to prove a point. And twenty two was the year I realised that the arguments were stopping, there was no fight there, and that if there was to be a one, I did not want it to be him. I wanted it to be with someone who I could actually connect to and feel passionate with. Having connections with platonic friends gave me a high hope that someone who wasn't platonic could connect on a much deeper level with me.
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Twenty three meant moving on with someone else, only to realise I was just a curiosity. But twenty three also meant getting so drunk with a couple of mates I ended up winning some money in the casino, almost killing myself and cutting my knee wide open (and almost wetting myself) by falling down the stairs outside of tesco. Twenty three meant going to bars, open mic nights, and clubs. It meant turning down guys (and girls), turning down drugs, and dancing like a lunatic on the dance floor of places that played both metal, and places that played drum and bass. Twenty three meant, though a night out is fun once in a while, I prefer to be in a museum or going on a walk. I prefer deep conversations in a room where you can actually talk, an ale house for example, over a quick conversation in a loud club.
Twenty four meant getting so fed up with the way that people had treated me in life, and the way that I'd treated myself in life, that I'd make the promise to never lose who I am, or quieten my voice. It meant forgiving the past and letting it go. It meant being open and mature, and understanding. It meant having people get jealous of me and try to make my life hell for being happy. And it meant, putting my own happiness above sacrificing myself at every turn to please another for no apparent gain for anyone. It meant not running away from a real connection and realising that things take work, that life is hard, and it is scary. But running away does nothing but hurt myself in the long run. Twenty four meant new experiences, new laughter, and a pride to be as intelligent as I am, to not be afraid to question and learn. To adventure into the realm of the unknown with a whole heart of innocent trust, hoping that the sophistication and maturity of people will make sure that the past remains there.
It means understanding that if someone truly loves you, they will not expect you to lose your voice, and they will not expect you to not stand up for yourself. It means that on the wide scale of things, perspective will be given, and happiness will be fought for. Because life isn't easy, and it's an uphill struggle, so why not make the heave up bank one that's actually worth it?
My past is a map to who I am now - the good, and the bad choices. My heart yearns, feels adoration, and can feel empty. My head can gain clarity, and sometimes get confused. But I am human, I am living, and though it feels like I'm often drowning in darkness, the light is always just around the corner.
And yes, I am a cliché.
(and I don't mind!)
