This is a complex thing to discuss, and it has taken a while (and many deleted/rewritten attempts) to actually find it within myself to put out what I want to say in written word. It's a difficult concept to express when it can so easily be mistaken as jumping on the band wagon or falling into the need to fit into the hipster mainstream.
I suffer from anxiety, and I suffer from depression. Such things are publicly known about me. Though I talk quite deeply about these things, I don't always speak about them from an absolute honest angle. Perhaps out of fear, but also out of confusion. In January, I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. I just didn't want to be here, I did not want to be me. I did not want the confusion. At the age of 24, I was just exhausted with feeling so fed up of feeling fed up. For the last eight months, I have been having counselling sessions. Coming out as a lesbian was one thing, so why was I still feeling half empty after announcing my sexuality? Basically, as has been explained to me, sexuality and identity can be entirely different things. I have suffered from insecurities for as long as I can remember, and I have not wanted to be 'me' for a while.
Which brings me onto the reason why I'm writing this post. My Sex is female. This is what people consider 'me' to be. But my Gender identity has variation. Quite simply, I am neither here nor there. Some days, I'm feminine, some days I am masculine. During one of my sessions, I was told to think about my youth, think about what I used to dream about accomplishing when I was younger. I wanted to be Prime Minister, I wanted to work for the X Files, I wanted to be a Secret Agent. But I also wanted to be a singer, a writer, an actress. I wanted to be a lot of things. When I was really, really young, I was most at home climbing trees, and playing in mud. Even having caught foot and mouth due to having no qualms about being muddy. I used to head butt walls, I was a tough nutt. I have also always gotten on better with males, preferred roughing it up playing bull dog, play fighting, than braiding hair or painting nails with females.
My identity equates to more than just the external appearance, but also to how my mind works at times. My interests tend to flit from one to the other a lot, and I can't help but feel this equates to however I'm expressing myself at that particular moment. When I'm into my research, thriving off the discovery of how things are made, and wanting to know the historical background of pretty much everything I'm feeling rational, collective, and androgynous within myself. It's this side of me that has no desire to shave my legs, that considers plucking my eyebrows to be a dire nuisance, wearing make up becomes irrelevant, and my docs become my go-to shoes. However, my creativity, my drawing, my poetry, even my more emotional writing seems to hit me when I'm feeling more female. This is when I take pride in shaving my legs, experimenting with make up and wearing ultra girly dresses.
There's an emotional side to all of this too. In regards to my periods, sometimes they distress me so much to the point where I don't want them at all anymore. It's goes beyond physiological pain, the reminder of my femininity during a moment I'm feeling more male can really bring me down. Yet at other times, I feel appreciative of the fact I have active ovaries. It's an odd one. Some days I swear my breasts physically ache by being on my chest, and I don't want them there. And other days, I flaunt them and feel beautiful with them. It's complex. It's confusing. It's complicated.
I'd be lying if I said that despite having met people, and had group discussions with people who claim to feel similar to how I do, I still feel really lonely in this. Maybe having anxiety worsens it, or maybe this whole thing actually worsens my anxiety. It's a strange notion that we feel the need to fit ourselves into a label, but that is the world in which we live in. In my high school, gender stereotypes were thrust at me, especially during prom. I didn't want to wear heels, I didn't want to look overly girly. My first high school, I was often mistaken as a boy and made to feel like boys aren't allowed to cry when they're bullied. Whether this all played a part, I don't know. Maybe there is shit in the plastic we use. Or maybe androgyny/non gender conformity has always existed but was shut off from mainstream identification overtime. And as a result a lot of us are struggling to realise that the way we feel, the way we identify is relevant.
I like the idea that the Native Americans had the genderless, had the two-spirits, and had male and female, and everything in between. I suppose this just makes it more accepting that throughout history people have always felt disassociated from their physical sex.
So I'll end this simply with my Sex is female, by my Gender is neither here nor there. I am both female, and male. I am fluid.
