It's no secret that I spill my emotions out with my creative abilities. However, doing so can often leave me open to ridicule and judgement. Though I appreciate that I have people who genuinely support me, and even look up to me in some respects, I find it necessary to take a step back and calm down my voice on social networking for a while every now and again.
I am not in the closet about anything in my life anymore. Whether it's my mental health issues or my sexuality, I'm open about it all.
This year has revealed so much about how cruel life can be sometimes, but it's also enabled me to realise that without that cruelty it's possible to build yourself up in a truly strong way.
I am not the same person I was this time last year, nor am I the same person I was just six months ago.
I am more confident, more extroverted and more eager for ambition than I used to be.
I've learned that after every knock down I need necessary time to heal, I need an escape from the cause of the pain or I find my mind exploding with alternate means to cope.
A few months ago I attended an audition for a film, during this audition I ended up reconnecting with an old musician friend. Through doing so I made new friends. Sometimes, I instantly connect with people, and other times it's an uncomfortable experience trying to befriend people. This was one of those times where it was an instant connection. Their friendship had me going to karaoke, and performing again. Their support has allowed me to continue singing even when I feel the flutters of a panic attack arising.
I feel a lot more comfortable in social situations now. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol, knowing that I can feel safe in the company that I keep.
My confidence is at its very best now. I am at a high peak, and this might not last long, but I will record it in written word as a reminder that there are ups and downs. And this is one of those ups. I was once told I'd never act, I proved people wrong with that one. I was told I'd never have any published writings, this year I proved those naysayers to be inaccurate. I was told I'd never be able to hold a decent modelling pose, or truly feel confident in my own skin. Recently, I opposed that view by doing a lingerie shoot.
It's hard to explain to people that when you feel you've been lied to constantly by someone who claimed to be in love with you in order for them to get sex out of you, it brings back to light a sexual assault that happened to you years ago. You end up feeling abused all over again. If I'm honest, it does sort of break you for a while. This is what PTSD can do to you. But if there's anything I've discovered recently, it's that broken people are the bravest, the most courageous. They are the survivors in the world.
I have come out of a broken moment feeling more alive than ever. I am content, confident, determined.
Within the next few months, I am hopeful that I will actually have half of a novel written, I will have explored more, experienced more, and just appreciated what life has for me just that bit more.
Within the next few months, I am hopeful that I will actually have half of a novel written, I will have explored more, experienced more, and just appreciated what life has for me just that bit more.
