Never True (2013) [Poem]

Context: This was written two years ago at the fall back of a relationship. I had started looking through his phone to look for signs he was cheating, part of me wanted him to be so that I could have what I thought was a legit reason to leave him, but a part of me also thought that cheating would have explained all the odd behaviour. I was working my ass off, coming home, cooking and cleaning, but I'd still find time to try to spend it with him. But all he could do was play video games, saying it helped him to de-stress. There comes to a point where you realise the person you fell in love with never existed. All the promises of always having your back, and always being a phone call away are bullshit. The person who claimed to be into history, walking and adventure is just a lazy bastard who put on a show in order to impress you. I think it shocks people that I don't peacock, so they don't understand why it hurts that they have done so. It's deceitful, and it feels like a betrayal. You let this person in, trust them, assuming who they are to be true. But they aren't. 

There was always the same excuse of 'anxiety'. I appreciate mental health issues exist, but when you see that those issues are affecting those around you, you go and get help. You stop hurting the people you supposedly love and you swallow your pride. You become a man. It isn't easy, it's not supposed to be. I wrote this at the time. I started going the museum and on canal walks with a male friend, and you know when you start realising you have more in common with a platonic friend than someone you're in a 'relationship' with that everything is just falling apart. You start realising there's more out there. If you can have more of a connection with someone who's platonic, then there will be someone out there who just gets you, your quirks, and everything. Your good and bad. I'm not a maid, I'm no one's mother. I have a voice. And I'm so sick of people shitting all over that. This is not a show, I'm not trying to be quirky for the sake of sexual allure, this is just who I am. 

I call people out, because no one ever pushes themselves if they're not. I give chances, at the default of hurling myself into whirlwinds of emotion and heartbreak. It's not like I don't communicate because I do, I say exactly how I'm feeling. And I'm always hit with the 'I need space'. Which to me, is a cop out, it's their way of saying 'I can't man up enough to care about your feelings so I'm gonna hook up with an ex, or keep pushing you away until you break up with me'. Anyway, this, is what I wrote.

You know the things you say

constantly hurt me

You do everything to push me away

Always unaccomplished, never satisfied.

I say that I care

I'll look out for your health

I'll always be there 

I don't care about your wealth

But I don't feel a fairytale coming

Because you make it hard to love you

and I'm afraid that I'll go running

You placed up all these boulders, 

that I have to crash right through

I can't beat the strain on my shoulders

when I've been repeating this to you

I don't have the strength to stand this fight

and I'm afraid that this love just isn't right

I gave so many chances

and I'm just left here hurt

Your attitude always enhances

that you can't see what I'm worth

My hands are bloody,

my soul's beaten blue

I thought we were fixed together

But I guess that was never true.

I guess there are some people out there that fixate more on whether they're fat or not, whether they've got high scores or not, than on actually looking out for you the way you look out for them. 

All I want is to lie in a field, barefoot, reading the fortean times, being heard, and not shut off. I want grocery shopping, I want washing dishes, I want little playfull arguments over who watches what on the TV. I want stimulation. I want adventure. I want life . I want LOVE.