How do I say...

I don't know how to put into words just how I feel
How losing you has made me feel
Do I start with how much I loved you?
Because I don't think that love can possibly equate to a measurement.
Do I admit that when I first knew you'd go I was scared to be around you
Scared to look you in the eye
Terrified of loving you to only lose you.
I wasn't prepared for this.
For any of this.
Do I talk about how like a feline you were
You could just fold up
You were like a baby
Always wanting to be picked up
Snuggled, held, and loved.
How when you were walked you'd have to be at the front
How you wrestled with the other dogs to be outside first
How you were the baby despite being older
How annoying it was to hear you bark
But how I'd do anything to hear that sound again.
You were so tiny, always fragile.
I wish I'd hugged you more
I wish I hadn't wasted so much time with nobheads
when that could've been time spent with you.
How do I put into words the extent of how much you meant to me
I'm trying my best to get through each day
but there's this dull ache in my heart
I'm lashing out at people around me
because I don't want to lose another person.
Because that's what you were, you were my friend.
For someone with anxiety, you were a hero.
When the world judged me for crying after a 15 hour shift
or for crying because I'd lost a pen
you never judged, would just nuzzle your nose
and like every other dog, your love was pure.
Six years old is way too young.

I don't know how to express this hurt
Or how to go back in time and make sure you knew you were loved.

And that love will never go.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since my last post on here, so first of all - Happy New Year (three months late!)

The year started off on a bit of a bad tone, all the shit that I had been dragged through the year beforehand finally caught up to me. All the grief, resentment, and hurt that I couldn't bare to face properly before hit out of nowhere. Story short, I ended up in hospital. This was a good thing though as it allowed for some things to be put into perspective and relay just how cruel and vindictive some people are, and always will be. The incredible manipulative use of narcissism that some people hold can be extremely damning. It's been a lesson learned though - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having the ability to love, and to trust. There is however, everything wrong with betraying trust and lying in order to become happy with oneself.

Though the year started on a bit of a dark note, it progressed into a much happier one. I had two articles published. This was something I never thought possible, and something of which I am extremely proud of. Needless to say, all the heartache I endured, and lessons I was forced to partake in, served well as inspiration. Because, as they say - what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 

Despite my mini 'meltdown', I'm still doing well in my job, and even managed to attain a relationship. A much healthier relationship, with a girl who actually goes out of the way to spend time with me, to meet my parents and seek out adventure in a healthy, rational manner. I feel blessed. And though it's early days, I'm grateful that rather than run a mile at the first sign of mental illness - she actually maintained a presence in my life, and stood by me whilst I healed. It was difficult to accept this new relationship, not only is it a first in many ways, but it was also frightening letting go of all the evil that had happened the year before. Regardless, I'm extremely happy and content with who I am, and the people I surround myself with.

Despite working excessive hours, sometimes with no day off for a week, I'm still managing to fit in my creative flair.

Here's a little 'soul box' I made for my girlfriend. I hand painted, and spent six painstaking hours sticking on every single little gem! I also thought it would be cool to make some runes for her, as well as paint out a 'protection' stone.

I think one of the sweetest things about what we have is the fact that we randomly buy, or make each other little things. I have to admit, I absolutely adore this necklace. 

This was the year of which I turned 25 too, of which I received a new phone (with an excellent camera!), and an AWESOME zombie cup! AHHHHHHH!!

It was also vital that I buy myself some new clothes, hence an increase in my corsets and alternative trousers! 

I've also opted for a more mature looking, auburn hair colour rather than a striking red. 

Oh also, I'd highly recommend Flip Out as a brilliant place to go. I spent two hours, that went WAY too quick, jumping around on trampolines.