September update.

So I'm aware that I don't post on here as often as I obviously should.

It's no secret that I spill my emotions out with my creative abilities. However, doing so can often leave me open to ridicule and judgement. Though I appreciate that I have people who genuinely support me, and even look up to me in some respects, I find it necessary to take a step back and calm down my voice on social networking for a while every now and again.

I am not in the closet about anything in my life anymore. Whether it's my mental health issues or my sexuality, I'm open about it all.

This year has revealed so much about how cruel life can be sometimes, but it's also enabled me to realise that without that cruelty it's possible to build yourself up in a truly strong way.

I am not the same person I was this time last year, nor am I the same person I was just six months ago.
I am more confident, more extroverted and more eager for ambition than I used to be.
I've learned that after every knock down I need necessary time to heal, I need an escape from the cause of the pain or I find my mind exploding with alternate means to cope.

A few months ago I attended an audition for a film, during this audition I ended up reconnecting with an old musician friend. Through doing so I made new friends. Sometimes, I instantly connect with people, and other times it's an uncomfortable experience trying to befriend people. This was one of those times where it was an instant connection. Their friendship had me going to karaoke, and performing again. Their support has allowed me to continue singing even when I feel the flutters of a panic attack arising.

I feel a lot more comfortable in social situations now. I'm no longer afraid to drink alcohol, knowing that I can feel safe in the company that I keep.

My confidence is at its very best now. I am at a high peak, and this might not last long, but I will record it in written word as a reminder that there are ups and downs. And this is one of those ups. I was once told I'd never act, I proved people wrong with that one. I was told I'd never have any published writings, this year I proved those naysayers to be inaccurate. I was told I'd never be able to hold a decent modelling pose, or truly feel confident in my own skin. Recently, I opposed that view by doing a lingerie shoot.

It's hard to explain to people that when you feel you've been lied to constantly by someone who claimed to be in love with you in order for them to get sex out of you, it brings back to light a sexual assault that happened to you years ago. You end up feeling abused all over again. If I'm honest, it does sort of break you for a while. This is what PTSD can do to you. But if there's anything I've discovered recently, it's that broken people are the bravest, the most courageous. They are the survivors in the world. 

I have come out of a broken moment feeling more alive than ever. I am content, confident, determined.

Within the next few months, I am hopeful that I will actually have half of a novel written, I will have explored more, experienced more, and just appreciated what life has for me just that bit more.

I am neither here nor there.

This is a complex thing to discuss, and it has taken a while (and many deleted/rewritten attempts) to actually find it within myself to put out what I want to say in written word. It's a difficult concept to express when it can so easily be mistaken as jumping on the band wagon or falling into the need to fit into the hipster mainstream.

I suffer from anxiety, and I suffer from depression. Such things are publicly known about me. Though I talk quite deeply about these things, I don't always speak about them from an absolute honest angle. Perhaps out of fear, but also out of confusion. In January, I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. I just didn't want to be here, I did not want to be me. I did not want the confusion. At the age of 24, I was just exhausted with feeling so fed up of feeling fed up. For the last eight months, I have been having counselling sessions. Coming out as a lesbian was one thing, so why was I still feeling half empty after announcing my sexuality? Basically, as has been explained to me, sexuality and identity can be entirely different things. I have suffered from insecurities for as long as I can remember, and I have not wanted to be 'me' for a while.

Which brings me onto the reason why I'm writing this post. My Sex is female. This is what people consider 'me' to be. But my Gender identity has variation. Quite simply, I am neither here nor there. Some days, I'm feminine, some days I am masculine. During one of my sessions, I was told to think about my youth, think about what I used to dream about accomplishing when I was younger. I wanted to be Prime Minister, I wanted to work for the X Files, I wanted to be a Secret Agent. But I also wanted to be a singer, a writer, an actress. I wanted to be a lot of things. When I was really, really young, I was most at home climbing trees, and playing in mud. Even having caught foot and mouth due to having no qualms about being muddy. I used to head butt walls, I was a tough nutt. I have also always gotten on better with males, preferred roughing it up playing bull dog, play fighting, than braiding hair or painting nails with females.

My identity equates to more than just the external appearance, but also to how my mind works at times. My interests tend to flit from one to the other a lot, and I can't help but feel this equates to however I'm expressing myself at that particular moment. When I'm into my research, thriving off the discovery of how things are made, and wanting to know the historical background of pretty much everything I'm feeling rational, collective, and androgynous within myself. It's this side of me that has no desire to shave my legs, that considers plucking my eyebrows to be a dire nuisance, wearing make up becomes irrelevant, and my docs become my go-to shoes. However, my creativity, my drawing, my poetry, even my more emotional writing seems to hit me when I'm feeling more female. This is when I take pride in shaving my legs, experimenting with make up and wearing ultra girly dresses.

There's an emotional side to all of this too. In regards to my periods, sometimes they distress me so much to the point where I don't want them at all anymore. It's goes beyond physiological pain, the reminder of my femininity during a moment I'm feeling more male can really bring me down. Yet at other times, I feel appreciative of the fact I have active ovaries. It's an odd one. Some days I swear my breasts physically ache by being on my chest, and I don't want them there. And other days, I flaunt them and feel beautiful with them. It's complex. It's confusing. It's complicated. 

I'd be lying if I said that despite having met people, and had group discussions with people who claim to feel similar to how I do, I still feel really lonely in this. Maybe having anxiety worsens it, or maybe this whole thing actually worsens my anxiety. It's a strange notion that we feel the need to fit ourselves into a label, but that is the world in which we live in. In my high school, gender stereotypes were thrust at me, especially during prom. I didn't want to wear heels, I didn't want to look overly girly. My first high school, I was often mistaken as a boy and made to feel like boys aren't allowed to cry when they're bullied. Whether this all played a part, I don't know. Maybe there is shit in the plastic we use. Or maybe androgyny/non gender conformity has always existed but was shut off from mainstream identification overtime. And as a result a lot of us are struggling to realise that the  way we feel, the way we identify is relevant. 
I like the idea that the Native Americans had the genderless, had the two-spirits, and had male and female, and everything in between. I suppose this just makes it more accepting that throughout history people have always felt disassociated from their physical sex. 

So I'll end this simply with my Sex is female, by my Gender is neither here nor there. I am both female, and male. I am fluid. 

The significance of LGBTQ+ awareness

This week's shooting has shocked me the core, it's absolutely frightening and disgusting that such homophobia and damn right ignorance of another person's right to be able to love or express themselves still exists in today's day and age.

As many people who know me on a personal scale, this is the year in which I came out of the closet. (Well, there's only so long that hanging out with Aslan in Narnia can make you appear happy). Despite the obvious acceptance around me, it was the most difficult for me to actually accept myself. 

Though my sexuality still resides in the demisexual spectrum (as it's an attraction that's built up over time), it became very clear to me that I am the most content, most happy, most comfortable with a woman. And though it did not work out with my ex-girlfriend due to extremely unfortunate timing, this is something I will always be grateful for her for. Identifying as a lesbian was not something that was easy, it meant having to face that I stuck in emotionally draining and abusive relationships with males out of a lack of awareness of my own self worth. It meant facing the fact that I was weak enough to think that I wasn't allowed to be satisfied - emotionally or sexually. Now, I have come to terms with the fact that I have worth. I am a beautiful, interesting, intelligent and extremely nurturing person, and I do deserve to be happy.

This is something I want everyone else to feel within themselves. Regardless of sexuality, faith, ethnicity, or background. However, recent events have made it clear just how significant LGBTQ+ awareness is. Being 'different' isn't accepted by everyone, and it can still be frightening for a lot of people to face who they are. Identity is important, it helps us define who we are, and it helps us feel a sense of connection and belonging. No one likes to feel on the outside. I only hope that the LGBTQ+ society keeps their voices heard, and doesn't let the shock of recent events take away their wonderful, beautiful, lovely sparkle. 
My thoughts go out to everyone who was affected by the recent shooting in Orlando. And to all my brothers and sisters: Stay Safe. 

Blue eyes

You have the sweetest blue eyes

that look at me with great wonder

a soul that has been through hurt 

and yet you're only getting stronger

I want to know how you do it

how you get through each day 

because I see a fire in you 

I look up to you in every way

You have a flame that scalds hotter than any other

and a passion that fires the best sort of lover

You have the most adorable laugh

and a smile full of loyalty and hope

and that's a smile I want to make last.

And you have the sweetest hold that I have ever known

And when I'm waking next to you - that's my home.

So let me get lost in those blue eyes

where we can get a little lost together

because you give out the right kind of light

that makes me hold on for a happy forever

because everything about us just feels right.

I'm waiting for these pink flowers

these smiling hearts bring out the best fight

And when you're feeling alone I hope you know

to just lean in and hold me, because I won't ever go

So give me that soul behind those blue eyes

because those blue eyes stole the soul that is mine.

How do I say...

I don't know how to put into words just how I feel
How losing you has made me feel
Do I start with how much I loved you?
Because I don't think that love can possibly equate to a measurement.
Do I admit that when I first knew you'd go I was scared to be around you
Scared to look you in the eye
Terrified of loving you to only lose you.
I wasn't prepared for this.
For any of this.
Do I talk about how like a feline you were
You could just fold up
You were like a baby
Always wanting to be picked up
Snuggled, held, and loved.
How when you were walked you'd have to be at the front
How you wrestled with the other dogs to be outside first
How you were the baby despite being older
How annoying it was to hear you bark
But how I'd do anything to hear that sound again.
You were so tiny, always fragile.
I wish I'd hugged you more
I wish I hadn't wasted so much time with nobheads
when that could've been time spent with you.
How do I put into words the extent of how much you meant to me
I'm trying my best to get through each day
but there's this dull ache in my heart
I'm lashing out at people around me
because I don't want to lose another person.
Because that's what you were, you were my friend.
For someone with anxiety, you were a hero.
When the world judged me for crying after a 15 hour shift
or for crying because I'd lost a pen
you never judged, would just nuzzle your nose
and like every other dog, your love was pure.
Six years old is way too young.

I don't know how to express this hurt
Or how to go back in time and make sure you knew you were loved.

And that love will never go.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since my last post on here, so first of all - Happy New Year (three months late!)

The year started off on a bit of a bad tone, all the shit that I had been dragged through the year beforehand finally caught up to me. All the grief, resentment, and hurt that I couldn't bare to face properly before hit out of nowhere. Story short, I ended up in hospital. This was a good thing though as it allowed for some things to be put into perspective and relay just how cruel and vindictive some people are, and always will be. The incredible manipulative use of narcissism that some people hold can be extremely damning. It's been a lesson learned though - there is absolutely nothing wrong with having the ability to love, and to trust. There is however, everything wrong with betraying trust and lying in order to become happy with oneself.

Though the year started on a bit of a dark note, it progressed into a much happier one. I had two articles published. This was something I never thought possible, and something of which I am extremely proud of. Needless to say, all the heartache I endured, and lessons I was forced to partake in, served well as inspiration. Because, as they say - what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 

Despite my mini 'meltdown', I'm still doing well in my job, and even managed to attain a relationship. A much healthier relationship, with a girl who actually goes out of the way to spend time with me, to meet my parents and seek out adventure in a healthy, rational manner. I feel blessed. And though it's early days, I'm grateful that rather than run a mile at the first sign of mental illness - she actually maintained a presence in my life, and stood by me whilst I healed. It was difficult to accept this new relationship, not only is it a first in many ways, but it was also frightening letting go of all the evil that had happened the year before. Regardless, I'm extremely happy and content with who I am, and the people I surround myself with.

Despite working excessive hours, sometimes with no day off for a week, I'm still managing to fit in my creative flair.

Here's a little 'soul box' I made for my girlfriend. I hand painted, and spent six painstaking hours sticking on every single little gem! I also thought it would be cool to make some runes for her, as well as paint out a 'protection' stone.

I think one of the sweetest things about what we have is the fact that we randomly buy, or make each other little things. I have to admit, I absolutely adore this necklace. 

This was the year of which I turned 25 too, of which I received a new phone (with an excellent camera!), and an AWESOME zombie cup! AHHHHHHH!!

It was also vital that I buy myself some new clothes, hence an increase in my corsets and alternative trousers! 

I've also opted for a more mature looking, auburn hair colour rather than a striking red. 

Oh also, I'd highly recommend Flip Out as a brilliant place to go. I spent two hours, that went WAY too quick, jumping around on trampolines.