[Lyrics] Falling Leaves

For anyone that remembers my band performing live, this was always our second song we'd perform.
Basically something quite horrific had happened to me, and my whole ideal on the world was shattered. I became something new, or maybe I just let the inner me out. I learned a valuable lesson about trusting, about dating strangers, and about letting people in - it's amazing just how easy it is for people to manipulate you.
I was in a bad place, and to be quite honest I didn't want to live any more. I was spending days not getting out of bed just staring at my bedroom wall, or staring at pages in my favourite magazine, just looking, not really absorbing any information. A huge part of me died during this time, and that's okay, because I guess more significant parts of me took over. In that moment, I felt like every stupid idea of hope was nothing more than just an idea. But later on in life, I realised that rescuers do exist, they just don't parade themselves in front of you, in such a manner as to abuse your trust. And most importantly, the biggest rescuer is yourself. The sun, the light in you, it will always be there, even when it feels like you've fallen right down to the bottom of the pit. 
I like nature, always have done, I think my Myspace page used to say something like 'Take me to the countryside and I'll love you forever' in the About Me section. I get a really great sense of solace amongst nature. I find that being amongst the earth, and all the things grown out of it (trees, plants etc) reminds me that from the fallen good things can still grow. At the time, I felt like my heart, my hope, my innocence had just shattered against the ground, yet I still held on to the hope that something bright might grow from it. My heart was beating, really loudly, and it scared me, it scared me because I was still alive and I didn't want to be, and I dislike losing my lust for life. I forgot my own worth, and so did everyone I tried to turn to, 'mind over matter' is all anyone could say, or worse: 'Are you sure you weren't asking for it?'. It really is a cruel, lonely world we live in, isn't it? 

I'm not sure why I picked this video, haha. I was so nervous performing at a local prestigious alternative club that I forget the lyrics part way through and just blagged them, not bad though for on the spot!

Falling Leaves

Staring at Blank walls
staring at blank pages
Trying to figure out
How to save this
'Cause I got a shock
saw the world as it is
No fairytale, no rescuer
Wandering down the path
The Sun, it can't last

Shattered against the ground
Heart beats really loud
'Cause we were blown away
Up against the wind
Falling leaves fell into the Earth
and forgotten, was the worth

Cast a shadow onto it all
Precious memories did fall
up against the wind
Falling leaves fell into the Earth
The wind blew in my ear
It whispered things that weren't so clear
I had to find a way
and I ended up here
Looking lost, full of fear

Shattered against the ground
Heart beats loud
'Cause we were blown away
Up against the wind
Falling leaves fell into the Earth
and forgotten, was the worth

Walking through hills
I need to feel an escape

An escape, a release, everything beneath my feet
The notion to nature's beat

Shattered against the ground
Heart beats loud
'Cause we were blown away
Up against the wind
Falling leaves fell into the Earth
and forgotten, was the worth

Falling leaves fell into the Earth
and forgotten, was the worth
Falling leaves all around you

[Lyrics] I hope you mend (2013)

I used to be quite an avid tumblr user (GAH- Hipster!!!) and two of the people I had become quite close to on there broke up. As weird as it sounds, I'd literally drawn so much strength from seeing two happy people in love that it shook me down when I discovered they'd split. It taught me a lesson though, that not everything is permanent and to take heed in every emotion that you're feeling, because it's significant for that moment. Moments pass, literally all the time, anger and betrayal, pride even, takes over, but in those moments- all those feelings you feel are a reminder that you're alive. There's some positivity in that I guess.

I also learned that just because you don't want to be with someone doesn't mean you don't love them. The guy in this relationship was broken up with, but the female had only done so out of a need for self preservation. Apparently, there's only so much self harm (emotional: low confidence, etc) you can see someone you love go through before you feel absolutely helpless and useless without a need. And thus, you need to walk away. It was ideal though, because truth be told after he lost her he seemed to really kick himself back up, and he's been in a healthy relationship since (still is actually). But in that moment (see- moments are important) I wrote this for him:



I hope you mend

I know your heart is breaking
And I understand you may feel torn into two
But  I hope you mend.
I hope you mend.

I know it must hurt like Hell
You seemed so special.
Everyone could tell
And I reach out to you

I hope you mend
I hope you mend.

Part of me hopes you fall
Back into each other
But I know it’s nothing
Nothing to do with me

I’ve witnessed you break
But please, you’re not alone
I have faith, faith in you
And I reach out to you

I hope you mend
I hope you mend

Please don’t let this destroy you
I hope you mend.
I hope you mend.

[Lyrics] Not Alone (2014)

I wrote these lyrics about a mixture of things, but they were mainly inspired by one of my old close friends having turned to drugs to get over his first ever heartbreak. He's better than that, but alas, only he can pull himself out of it. But regardless, he appreciated my lyrics inspired by his issues, haha.

Not Alone 


Everyone wants to sing about love
but I want to talk about not giving up
Especially when things get tough
Especially when you're feeling down
or when life gets a little rough

When you're hooked on a substance to get you through
When you're feeling like the whole world blames you
When you're feeling isolated,
Angry, frustrated, invisible, irritated.
You're not alone

Everyone cries that little on the inside
And the turmoil never make it an easy ride 
Remember, you're trying your best to get through
And the decent ones will never be judging you

When you're hooked on a substance to get you through
When you're feeling like the whole world blames you
When you're feeling isolated,
Angry, frustrated, invisible, irritated.
You're not alone

When you can't force yourself out of bed
When there's negativity in your head
When you fall down, you'll get back up
You're stronger than you realise
When you lose your job and you're outta luck
You're stronger than you realise.

[Lyrics] How many (2014)

Just discovered another folder on my hard drive.

I wrote these as band lyrics.

I think I drew a lot of emotion from being fucked around a lot. There's nothing more disgustingly heartbreaking than to constantly be drawn to people who go around breaking hearts in order to appease their own curious satisfactions. This is very much an ex aimed one. I have a tongue like poison, but to hell if I'll ever let anyone take that way from me.

How Many?

How many tears 
do I have to cry through
and how long will it take
to get over you
and how many hearts
will you break in two?

I put hope in a salvation
In a soldier coming along this way
I put faith in something
That never intended to really stay.

How many dreams
Will I need to give up
And how many times
Will I fall out of luck?
and how many times
will you hate love?

I put hope in a salvation
In a soldier coming along this way
I put faith in something
That never intended to really stay.

How many times 
Will I feel this small
How long will it take 
to never again do this fall
and how many lies
will you say to yourself?

You're letting yourself down
And you're blaming the entire world
So
How many times
will this go around?
How many times
will I fall down?

Lyrics (2011) -Metal band.

I was once in a metal band, I wrote 'metal' type lyrics.

It's times like this I gotta think it over

I'm so damn tired of looking over my shoulder

Will there be a knife hanging out of my back?

I just can't seem to trust your smile

I wished and wished

on stuff that doesn't exist

I prayed to a God 

that wouldn't listen to me

I can't fix my heart, if you won't even help me

I'm stuck to the Devil in my deepest dreams

I can't figure out my soul, I don't know what that means

Question time's over
But I don't know how to repent

You left a scar

And now I'm so hell bent

I forgave every lie and every deceit

but no body's forgiven me

I told my lies, and so did you

I've bled out all through and through

It's not a contest, but you're gonna win

Because it's hell-bent with sin

I shouldn't have to repent

But I want to break free

I don't want to watch my back

I want to be free

Give me wings 

I need to escape

The guilt, it won't fade!

Question time's over
But I don't know how to repent

You left a scar

And now I'm so hell bent

I forgave every lie and every deceit

but no body's forgiven me

Question time's over
But I don't know how to repent

You left a scar

And now I'm so hell bent

I forgave every lie and every deceit

but no body's forgiven me

It hurts like Hell, to feel this pain

It drives the best insane.

I go back and forth questioning my faith in God. I believe in a soul regardless, how can many things that are so strikingly beautiful in the world be without soul?

[Poetry] Saved. (2011)

According to the properties of the word document that this poem was written in, I wrote this in 2011. I was single in 2011, and completely uninterested in anyone, so I actually do not know what the context of this one is. However, I'm guessing that some little spark in me was just crying out to be noticed, maybe? Maybe I was hoping someone in the future would read it and notice me, I have no idea. Maybe I was studying a certain poetry module and decided to write something that would fit into its standard, I don't know. It is one of my favourites regardless, and I'm guessing there will be many out there that can relate to it at some point in their lives.

Saved.

You’re really interested in me, and my dreams
and deep down I'm scared of what that means
I need some strength to hold me up
I don’t need a boy that gives up

I need someone who can know me, and understand
Why I run away from my own feelings, my head
Someone to stand by my side, and hold my hand
And realise why I can’t laugh things off, but cry instead

Because I need to be saved
sometimes from myself, sometimes from the world
Because amongst my armoured exterior
is a shattered, broken young girl

This heart’s been hurt too much, broken in two
it crushes my intelligence, my intellect to trust you
But I’m secretly longing for you to break through
You need a heart, you should have mine, but

I have placed barricades sixty feet high
I spend so many nights hearing myself cry
I have so many issues, I always will do
the last I want to do is push away you

Because I need to be saved
sometimes from myself, sometimes from the world
Because amongst my armoured exterior
is a shattered, broken young girl

This heart’s been hurt too much, broken in two
it crushes my intelligence, my intellect to trust you
But I’m secretly longing for you to break through
You need a heart, you should have mine, but

I'm not meaning to be this hurt
over so many things that just bring me down
I want to feel my self worth
Instead of feeling constantly dragged through hell

So even though I'm pushing you away
I really want for you to right back, and stay. Just stay. 

Significant poetry of 2014, part one.

Context:

It took me precisely three months to fall in love with my ex. I had my walls up guarded, and he claimed to completely understand me. He swore that he accepted me for all my emotions, the negative and the positive. I get scared of ever admitting that I love anyone, I think the only person I say I love is my dog and my rat, haha. But they're never going to turn around and just tell me to 'Fuck off'. But when I did fall in love, it was the kind of floaty, nothing-feels-quite-real feeling. Though, looking back now, I think I was deluding myself a bit, because he actually lied, like a lot. I remember on our third date, I jokingly asked if he ever dated this girl we both knew, and he said no, only for the day after for him to admit that he had. He downplayed his number of 12 girls, to like 3. I never understood why because I genuinely don't believe it's love unless you accept someone for everything, including their past. I'm starting to think that he never loved himself, and maybe that was my fault, maybe it was my job to get him to love himself, but how could I do that without being let in in the first place?

But as my little token, I actually wrote this poem for him (I don't even think he ever read it, because when I asked him what he thought, he replied with something that didn't even make sense):

This Way [Love, Part one]

I can't explain 
I can't explain 
I can't explain  
I just, I can't explain  

Take this feeling away
for I fear it alluding
with too much hope
and, I can't quite say
but take this feeling away

I can't explain 
I can't explain 
I can't explain  
I just, I can't explain  

It's rotting my soul
destroying all that I am
take this feeling away
I am scared
and I don't know how to say
I am feeling shy

I can't explain 
I can't explain 
I can't explain  
I just, I can't explain  

why my heart feels this. way



_________________________________________

Context:

And then about five months later, I was left writing this one. This was one of the poems I wrote after he had some shitty attitude with me over me having a second job. He would have four days off a week, yet still claimed he never had time to do anything. As it was he actually had more days off a week than I, and I just wanted to be able to spend at least one of my days off with him. But time and time again, he would bullshit me with fake plans he'd apparently made. The amount of times he claimed to be ill, or grocery shopping was ridiculous. And honestly, I actually wouldn't mind grocery shopping with someone, as an adult it's no suprise that time is restricting, so fitting in necessary chores whilst spending time together isn't really that much of a big deal. But, honest to God, I'm starting to think all he did was just lie through his teeth. And the only 'evidence' he can give for not ever having lied to me was that he spent a lot of money on me. But, That kind of just sounds like he had a guilty conscience constantly so tried to remedy (Ha!) it with spending money. Love can't be bought, and neither can respect, nor can decent companionship. People who throw around their money, instead of their hearts or emotions, or even their experiences aren't really sharing what counts. 

So, yeah, I wrote this:


Scared.

I get scared sometimes too 
I guess in ways I'm a lot like you
I tear myself down and wonder why I'm sad 
I'm a bit dramatic and always think things are bad

Inside of me is a lot of positivity.
I get scared to let it out sometimes
but if I did would you still accept me?

I can spend nights crying my eyes out
There are inners fears, they can break me
I just want to scream, scream and shout

I'm locked inside walls,
that I'm afraid to let down
Sometimes Panic calls
and I want to escape town

But I am no coward, I'm merely a figher

I am always honest, never a liar.

________________________________________________

I think when it comes to letting go of your past, it's important to recognise it's significance and appreciate whatever growth it gave to you. Nothing is without reason. However, I am discovering there are lessons to have been learnt out of it, and that is to be more guarded, without being too cold. 

(poetry) Stupid .1 [2014]

I don't get people. Stupid, stupid people.

Faith, where there is no heart.

Hope, where there is no care.

Isolated, and free that way.

'Heroes' do not flock to those in need

they look away.

Pain because there is trust.

Stupid people, Stupid people.

Give it up, Give it up.

You are simply too good for 'love'.

Context:

My ex told me he didn't believe in forever. It annoyed me beyond what it probably should have done. Not because I dislike feeling like a skipping stone, a rung on the ladder to what's better, but because feeling like a skipping stone to someone experiencing better is a better feeling that feeling like you're just a long line of the unattainable. It wasn't that he didn't believe in forever with me persay, it was the whole not believing in a forever with anything. Honestly, if there's no hope, what the hell is the point in there even being a try? May as well just roll out of bed each morning, get pissed and moan about people trying to cheer you up.... Oh wait, that's precisely what he did.

There are some people out there who are the Summers in the world, they want love and forever, and all that gay shit, but just not at that precise moment, or with that specific person. But they still want it, even if they're in denial. And then there are the Toms of the world, the people who try to force a feeling onto the nearest thing because they are so desperate to feel that forever, they're actually doing themselves more harm by not waiting it out. In all fairness, Summer was always abruptly honest with what it is she wanted at that precise moment, he just got a little lost in himself and seemed to forget who he actually was a little bit. And then there are the inbetween people. But there's also the small amount, or maybe the large amount (maybe I'm a rarity for having so much faith in something that has actually knocked me down quite a bit) who just really do not want anything to last. Like, ever. They want to flirt and kiss, and fuck people for the sake of it. They don't want an emotional bonding with another person, and they'll surround themselves with people who get pissed every single weekend, don't seem to step out in the day or eat anything but takeaway (The forever students kind of people) and will blame every single mistake they make on other people. My ex was most certainly one of those people, it would be nice to think that maybe one day he'll grow out of that, but I doubt it. He's too accustomed with getting away without consequences and refusing to feel guilt for anything he's actually caused. The sun has to shine out of his arse or life isn't worth living.

Basically, I had a lot of hope where there was no care returned, and I had a lot of faith where there was no heart there. He would call himself a hero, but never actually 'come to the rescue' so to speak. He just drained my energy, and sought out my strength with no consideration of sharing his own. In fact he used to yell at me for talking to him about my nightmares, (Wtf?), personally I think it's interesting to try to analyse your dreams, though sometimes they are just dreams. But, he said it was unusual that I would dream so much. Er, not really, quite common for someone as imaginative as me. So yeah, there was a lot of pain there, but I convinced myself that love hurts so it was okay, but the pain was there because he admitted that he would tell me things just to shut me up- it was essentially a lie, telling me what I want to hear to 'shut me up'. The fuck?! So yeah, that obviously means no trust. He told me he was too good to ever want to settle down, haha, and I started to convince myself that only monsters get the princess, so I convinced myself that even I was too good for so called love, or anything really for that matter, 

Sometimes I wonder if any of my poetry would ever get published, so I like writing the backstory and context. It gives it a bit more flavour. And poetry can actually be taken in many ways by the audience, they can literally relate to it however, but I still like to point out whatever it was that would've inspired me to write it at the time. 

Slowly releasing my old poetry, bit by bit, ahah. 

So Hollow

So I like had the weirdest dream last night, involving my sister, and losing not just my teeth (only one actually wobbled out) but my entire mouth. It was disturbing, I could actually see nerve endings falling out with lumps of bloody mass straight out of my mouth. I actually woke up crying >_<

I think I'm absolutely petrified of losing my voice, and maybe that's what my mouth falling out represents?
And my sister being in it, she has absolutely no emotion, and I'm like the polar opposite of that.
I think sometimes I genuinely get so afraid of people breaking me, hurting me so much that I stop dreaming, I stop hoping, and I stop feeling all together. And ultimately I become like her.

Anyway, to save myself from going insane, I decided to listen to some of my band's old songs.
My singing is a bit terrible, but I actually like my lyrics.
They were real to me at that time, and still in many ways remain to be so.
There was a moment, after a lot of bad happened that I just shut myself away.
Lost myself a little bit too much into my music, I think.
And I started to feel just So Hollow (see what I did there, hur hur)

Anywhooooo

Probably not the best in audio quality, but I like to sing for the sake of singing.

I really dislike going to music studios and spending too much money on something that I enjoy to do.

Like, I give out all my songs for free - with the exception of anything for charity - so I don't see why recording such music should cost money. Music in all respects should be provided for free. Booyah!

If people really want to feel the energy of anything I sing, they need to hear me sing live, each performance is different than the last, because each time a different mood takes over, or the same mood affects me in a different way.

Or sometimes I just get more confident in front of a microphone.

I guess this has reached that time
when everything withers and dies
When things cave in
and we're left sitting in a remainder of s....i...n

Oh Angel please

Everything's becomes so Hollow
I found I lost my soul
Broken, hmmm, So Hollow
Hmmm, hmmm,hmmm, oh
Everything's become so Hollow
I can't seem to find my soul

I left the danger far behind
But still it manages to find
All the places that I hide
and Oh, I can't seem to cry
I'm calling to an Angel
I really need a saviour

Everything's becomes so Hollow
I found I lost my soul
Broken, hmmm, So Hollow
Hmmm, hmmm,hmmm, oh
Everything's become so Hollow
I can't seem to find my soul
Please, save me
I am pleading
almost with the devil
I really need an Angel
hmmm

Since Everything has become so Hollow
I can't find my soul
Since everything's so hollow
I need a saviour
hmmm So Hollow, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm

Women changing to please a man.

So, I was sitting in the taxi home tonight, and for whatever reason I found myself deep in my thoughts. Again. Surpise, suprise. 

This time it was about films. And the concept of young women changing to please a man's ego. And how it's a little bit disconcerting that these films are always targeted at young women, as a 'Rom-Com', and an ideal romance that so many girls seem to latch on to.

For instance, I think the most popular of these is Grease. We all know the story - boy meets girl, they 'fall in love', have sex, he goes back to school thinking he'll never see her again, boasts about sexing her to his greasy mates, and then they rekindle and for some reason she's heckled for being sweet and contorted into a leather wearing, smoking, swearing 'hardcore' sheep. Yet another young person lost to the world of peer pressure. She loses herself, it may be suggested that what's-his-face just opens up the world to her in a different way, but I personally feel that her unique individuality is pushed out of her, just so she can fit in with this Danny-BOY and his stupid, sex-obsessed crowd.

I mean look at this sweet little face:

Can we get an 'awwwwwwww' for how fucking adorable she looks?! 

I mean, he met her as this version of her, and claimed to love her. SEE: 

They had amazing summer nights or some shit like that. I wouldn't suggest having sex on a beach though kids. It'll just make me jealous. 

Yet, back at school, suddenly she's not so cool just being herself? 

Wtf, Danny! If you loved her why didn't you push for her to stay connected with her roots instead of allowing her to change into the exact replica of you?? Surely, she should have stopped you from smoking and not joined in with your cancer-stick habit. 

You're a dick Danny!

And Sandy, love, you're better than this. He's a prick, dump his ass. He's a scientologist anyway.

Yeah, you know the ones. Aliens, guys, aliens... 

Another film, I'd like to point out is the good ol' She's All That. You know the one: cute, nerdy, artistic girl spends her time painting and genuinely being a decent person.

Look at her, cute as a button, right guys???

And then some dick gets dared to date her all for the purpose of getting over his ex and merging her into the next best prom queen. So clearly, he didn't like her that much to begin with, right? Or even so much as respect her. Now, don't get me wrong films like this are almost as bad as disney, for whatever reason the chick always puts up with the guy's shit. And ends up, yet again, bloody changing!

But she does look super dapper like this too.

And though she looks cute in her preppy prom dress, why the hell does the film just suggest that the cool aloof motherfucker painting in her basement isn't just as hot as she is there?

But yeah whatever, love and kisses, and connections and blah blah blah. Dick

I'm going to include one of my favourite films on this list too -Never Been Kissed. 

The reason I love this film is because Drew Barrymore's character is an English graduate, who's never had that real spark of a kiss. And I tell you what, I can relate, never once have I had that moment where you just look over at someone and fall into someone's arms, and like madly make out with so much passion or whatever. But then she finds that someone, and it's like WOAHHHH, SWEET DUDE! (where's my car? - Wait, what??) 

Yes Josie, I agree. Women like you are my idol. You don't give up. Ever.

Not even after being knocked back countless amount of times for being Grossy Josie. 

I fucking love you Josie! You kick so much ass! However, what I don't like is how when going undercover for some journalist article or whatever she just has to fit in with the popular crowd and ends up betraying the trust of a friend who was much more suited to her anyway. But yada, yada, about thirty minutes later the teacher she was clearly connecting with gets to kiss her beautiful face, because hey- love is always the most amazing happy ending, or rather, new beginning.

Yay- Love!!!!

And finally, I'm just going to rant off about my favourite romance movie ever!! Ten Things I Hate About You, because yes, yes, yes, yes, yes (not orgasming right now I swear, I just like to yell out 'yes'. Honest governor) But yes, yes, yes, Kat is SO me! Somebody just agree with me on that? I swear, she's me okay. Sarcastic, and almost cold on the exterior, but soft on the inside, protecting herself from more hurt than she's already been through. Plus, she's a poet. I get way too excited at the prospect of relating to people, even when they're fictional. 

I would probably say that to a guy too, cause I'm not some pretty little flower. I sweat too.

Did I mention how emotional she is? Pure heart of gold right there. Just lays it out on the line, no shits given. Yes, you wear that heart on your sleeve, because there's nothing better than honest intentions. 

Poor baba, don't worry he loves you too. Even though he's a dick. (Okay, not a major dick, plus I bet he has a hairy chest so phwoooaar)

I think this film suits well in comparison with other films on here, because Ledger's character only tried to woo Kat for the sake of some guy paying him to do so so this said guy could date her sister. But I have to admit that Ledger's character actually does indeed fall in love with Kat, and any money he made on her, he spends on her. Somebody please buy me a tambourine. It fixes all arguments, I swear! (I know she got a guitar, but I can't play that well, so buy me a tambourine, k, thnxk, bye). 

Also, lines like this kinda makes the movie too: 

Because I genuinely believe that no one should ever, ever feel like they don't deserve to have what they want, what'd make them happy. On that note, I also don't think people should really give up their dreams, I think they should just be with someone who shares the same ones, or just learns to compromise between the two people. Which is another reason why  I love this film, because Kat did not change! She stuck to her hobbies, she opened up, but she did not change! .... And he loved her for it. You go girl.

So yay!!! 

GIRL POWER! 

P.S, why the hell is my milkshake not bringing all the guys to the yard?????

 I trusted you Kelis, I trusted you. 

[Lyrics/Poem] Lower class River (2012)

[Context: This was written directly after falling out with someone who judged me for being on benefits, I'd only recently just graduated from university, and it was proving difficult to get a job. They compared me to them, about how I'm not 'experienced in life enough' because I've never been abroad or gone much beyond my town really. They despised the fact that I said that I had adventure on my doorstep, I don't need to travel the worlds to realise it. The only reason they'd ever had the chance to go abroad was due their financial background (their background) - they'd never earned it, or worked hard for it.]

Opinionated, and living in a fantasy land

and because of that you’ll never understand

What it’s like to feel this sorta pain

To watch your hope go down the drain

Working your bones right to the core

But being treated as if you’re a chore

Feeling yourself drive around a bend

Trying to make means meet every end 

  

To feel yourself tied to a system

That doesn’t understand

Oh, how I’d love to escape

escape to your fantasy land

To see things amongst the diamonds and silver

Instead of watching things fall into a lower class river

 Accused of being feckless, and of no use

Such harsh words break you straight through

I'm not too proud to take charity

I've been forced into a world of reality

I'm not judging you, I just want you to see

the world through the life that is me

I won’t beak down, and I won’t give up

I have my passions, even though I'm out of luck

To feel yourself tied to a system

That doesn't understand

Oh, how I’d love to escape

escape to your fantasy land

To see things amongst the diamonds and silver 

Instead of watching things fall into a lower class river

This class hatred you convince yourself of

Looks like you forgot the path you come from

don’t tell me you understand my hurt

you don’t appreciate what a pound is worth

dig in your heels, act like you care

In reality your judgement isn't fair

So escape to your fantasy where you do no wrong.

That’s fine, you inspired this honest driven song. 

Just some of my drawings.

[Anime] - Drawing based off a tutorial in an artist's book.

[Self portrait] - 2007

[Anime] - Inspired off Pikachu from Pokemon. 

- There is a Fighter in You - [Personal Poem, Ex 'love']

-There is a Fighter in You-

Context: this poem was written in September, 2014 by me right after my then boyfriend tried to break up with me for having a new job (he got a little paranoid about the way I'd talk about some of my colleagues- in both my jobs actually). We ended up in a massive row, I was sick of him doing overtime, and the only reason I took this second job in the first place was because it would've benefited our relationship. He blew up on me and told me his one-to-one review had shown that his percentages were low, regardless of which station he was working at. Instead of thinking practically, he decided to blame me for these things- saying that worrying about me, and thinking about me had distracted him from concentrating at work. In regards to his work efforts, in actuality it just turned out that he'd just come off of holiday, been ill and it was no suprise that his work suffered because of it. On reflection, I had actually discovered from his colleagues that he actually would play on his phone constantly, and then blame me, claiming to be texting me despite the fact it wasn't me that he was texting- it was someone else. He was called into counselling one day, and they informed him that his mistakes at work were getting so bad, he'd have to clearly think about why they could be and that it's probably best he not be in a relationship. But it turns out he was even lying to the counsellor, as well as lying to himself. My ex is one of those that desires to fit in so much, he'd sell out his soul, and blame everyone around him but himself. It was easier for him to pinpoint the blame on to me, rather than on to his own tiredness/illness/lack of enjoyment in the job. The fact he tried to start the conversation with straight away blaming me, and accusing me of not wanting to be with him because I had a new job really lowered my esteem. But it also showed his true insecurity. Right after 'breaking up' with me, he apologised and said he still loves me, he's just scared that without a job he won't be able to provide for me. He said he felt torn with keeping me, and trying to impress his colleagues at work. He thanked me for being the person to make things make sense, and seem clearer, and for pushing him to grow. And that he was just ultimately doing it to make me fight for him. He also stated that it didn't matter if I saw him as the most beautiful, strongest person in the world, because impressing his bosses into giving him a promotion meant more to him. Albeit, looking back now I should have realised just how insulting that actually is, but in that moment, I just wanted him to see the good in him, the strength in him, and for him to realise he could accomplish anything really. Hence, I wrote this for him:

-There is a Fighter in You-

There are things that can be said 

in whispers or in words

and that is throughout life

there are gonna be things that hurt

You can let it make you, or break you

But only the strong will survive 

You can break down for a little 

But know you're still alive

You could kick yourself back up

Say it will get better

Or you could walk away

and say goodbye to forever

I can be smiling on the inside

but not let it show on my face

Sometimes I hide too, 

because even I feel afraid

I am not always so strong, 

sometimes I get hurt

and I have to remind myself

that it's because I have a worth

There is a fighter in you

and even when you're sad, or unhappy

there's still light shining through

You're my silver lining

because I believe in you.

You can convince yourself that everyone walks away

Or you can look me, open your eyes, and realise I will stay

I don't know why I'm whispering

I should be shouting this out loud

I want the world to know 

that of you, I am proud

I feel insecure right now 

because of words that were said

I feel I need to fit in again

Fears run through my head

But  I am still here 

I am battling through

And whenever you feel unappreciated

I'd like to share my strength with you.

Someone once told me that 

every day I save their life

and because of that I care 

and I won't stop, not even when I'm your w-

I was told that strength is in my name

But so is love and compassion.

So please know I need you too

when my life begins to unfasten.

I know that life is hard, obstacles get in the way

But I try my best to tell my love for you each day 

So as a reminder, remember I'm here to stay 

but words can hurt so please don't push me away

I am feeling fragile, a little broken too

But I know that your love acts fast as glue

You make me gooey and I really do love you.

I struggle with trust, so please love me too

If there's one thing I've learnt

It's that love is allowed to hurt

You sometimes have to fall down to climb back up

But you are a strong person you'll never give up.

I see the strength in you that I can't find in myself

I don't care about your looks, or even your wealth.

It's your soul that I see, and all of it's beauty

You have so much light and it's constantly shining through

Remember that I am one of the few that even say these things to you

I am your flower, so please don't walk away

Because I love you, and I'll need you every day

You are not a quitter, and I see only good in you

You are not anyone else, your past ends now, 

there's nothing you can't get through

I really appreciate you, and the things that you do.

I hope this gives you feels, and I am proud of you.