- There is a Fighter in You - [Personal Poem, Ex 'love']

-There is a Fighter in You-

Context: this poem was written in September, 2014 by me right after my then boyfriend tried to break up with me for having a new job (he got a little paranoid about the way I'd talk about some of my colleagues- in both my jobs actually). We ended up in a massive row, I was sick of him doing overtime, and the only reason I took this second job in the first place was because it would've benefited our relationship. He blew up on me and told me his one-to-one review had shown that his percentages were low, regardless of which station he was working at. Instead of thinking practically, he decided to blame me for these things- saying that worrying about me, and thinking about me had distracted him from concentrating at work. In regards to his work efforts, in actuality it just turned out that he'd just come off of holiday, been ill and it was no suprise that his work suffered because of it. On reflection, I had actually discovered from his colleagues that he actually would play on his phone constantly, and then blame me, claiming to be texting me despite the fact it wasn't me that he was texting- it was someone else. He was called into counselling one day, and they informed him that his mistakes at work were getting so bad, he'd have to clearly think about why they could be and that it's probably best he not be in a relationship. But it turns out he was even lying to the counsellor, as well as lying to himself. My ex is one of those that desires to fit in so much, he'd sell out his soul, and blame everyone around him but himself. It was easier for him to pinpoint the blame on to me, rather than on to his own tiredness/illness/lack of enjoyment in the job. The fact he tried to start the conversation with straight away blaming me, and accusing me of not wanting to be with him because I had a new job really lowered my esteem. But it also showed his true insecurity. Right after 'breaking up' with me, he apologised and said he still loves me, he's just scared that without a job he won't be able to provide for me. He said he felt torn with keeping me, and trying to impress his colleagues at work. He thanked me for being the person to make things make sense, and seem clearer, and for pushing him to grow. And that he was just ultimately doing it to make me fight for him. He also stated that it didn't matter if I saw him as the most beautiful, strongest person in the world, because impressing his bosses into giving him a promotion meant more to him. Albeit, looking back now I should have realised just how insulting that actually is, but in that moment, I just wanted him to see the good in him, the strength in him, and for him to realise he could accomplish anything really. Hence, I wrote this for him:

-There is a Fighter in You-

There are things that can be said 

in whispers or in words

and that is throughout life

there are gonna be things that hurt

You can let it make you, or break you

But only the strong will survive 

You can break down for a little 

But know you're still alive

You could kick yourself back up

Say it will get better

Or you could walk away

and say goodbye to forever

I can be smiling on the inside

but not let it show on my face

Sometimes I hide too, 

because even I feel afraid

I am not always so strong, 

sometimes I get hurt

and I have to remind myself

that it's because I have a worth

There is a fighter in you

and even when you're sad, or unhappy

there's still light shining through

You're my silver lining

because I believe in you.

You can convince yourself that everyone walks away

Or you can look me, open your eyes, and realise I will stay

I don't know why I'm whispering

I should be shouting this out loud

I want the world to know 

that of you, I am proud

I feel insecure right now 

because of words that were said

I feel I need to fit in again

Fears run through my head

But  I am still here 

I am battling through

And whenever you feel unappreciated

I'd like to share my strength with you.

Someone once told me that 

every day I save their life

and because of that I care 

and I won't stop, not even when I'm your w-

I was told that strength is in my name

But so is love and compassion.

So please know I need you too

when my life begins to unfasten.

I know that life is hard, obstacles get in the way

But I try my best to tell my love for you each day 

So as a reminder, remember I'm here to stay 

but words can hurt so please don't push me away

I am feeling fragile, a little broken too

But I know that your love acts fast as glue

You make me gooey and I really do love you.

I struggle with trust, so please love me too

If there's one thing I've learnt

It's that love is allowed to hurt

You sometimes have to fall down to climb back up

But you are a strong person you'll never give up.

I see the strength in you that I can't find in myself

I don't care about your looks, or even your wealth.

It's your soul that I see, and all of it's beauty

You have so much light and it's constantly shining through

Remember that I am one of the few that even say these things to you

I am your flower, so please don't walk away

Because I love you, and I'll need you every day

You are not a quitter, and I see only good in you

You are not anyone else, your past ends now, 

there's nothing you can't get through

I really appreciate you, and the things that you do.

I hope this gives you feels, and I am proud of you.