Lost in my mind -

How do I fix this broken heart?
Watching as you tear yourself apart.
Tell me,
when did all this lack of trust even start.
 _______________________________________________________


I didn't mean to hurt you by being myself.
______________________________________________________________

I didn't mean for my 'altruistic ways' to make you devalue your own life
Those times I ordered from the vegetarian menu were not to make out I'm better than you.

And when I compared you to a wolf
it wasn't because of your beard
or because you felt yourself overweight
(honestly why do you even think that, you're as thin as a twig)
It was because I saw a leader
It was because I saw a fire
It was because Wolves mate for life,
and maybe I felt that way because you told me that I'm family
and that you'd never walk away.
Or maybe I just have more faith in good things lasting than I realise.

I thought you were better than your job
but that didn't mean I wanted you to sacrifice it.
When you came to me with no confidence
thinking you'd be terrible at everything thrown your way
You said I'd helped boost you up, made you realise life's more than just working
and you told me no one had ever made you as happy as me
or as open, comfortable, determined, and free.
but then all it took was a girl at work, who liked the same anime as you
and you pulled away, stopped talking to me, and picked at the distance between us

and all the lies, I still stood there with all the faith in the world
seeing your light, remembering the person that I'd first met
believing that you just needed a reminder as to why you were with me in the first place
I knew you were messaging her, but I didn't press it.
and then you turned around and told me you'd always had a thing for your female best friend
that made me feel like shit
Like, don't be with someone else just to take your mind off the other
And then, as a friend I told you, you should fight for her if you love her
But you told me it was too late. Like, wtf?

Like a major fucking fool, I was still giving you advice, as a friend would
I was putting myself last.
I was telling you to fight for her, rather than to fight for me
and even when I did the most unthinkable
and I truly felt like a killer
I convinced myself that I'd be happy
if you were happy, if you finally got with her.
But then you turned around and told me the sacrifice I'd made made you realise
I could love you like no other.
And you kept me latched on, forgiving you, believing you.

And then you twisted and turned on me,
Spoke with such a vile serpent tongue-
"I made mistakes at work because of you", "my friends never liked you", "you were too caring", "you thought too much of my future", "you wanted me to be too healthy", "you wouldn't let my body dysmorphia take over", "you didn't like me being happy", "you didn't care enough", "we always argued over the fact I lied", "I lied because I wanted to impress you", "I had a thing for you from day one"

- and then you made it worse -

"I can't love someone as broken as you" 

I'm not 'broken', I've just lived.
I'm not in a constant state of denial about how life really is.
But I still seek out that hope of a happy ever after
because fuck you - it's what I deserve.

Just fuck you for making me feel like a little girl for dreaming
I'm a fighter.
  I deserve a hero.
    I deserve a fighter.
      I deserve a fucking Man.
I'm not 'deluded', I just refuse to give up on the inner core of me.

It's not bullshit that there could be a happy ever after, it's just bullshit that you could ever be it.

You're too negative, without a fight.
You've let the 'big man' knock you down
til you're nothing but a robot, a worker, with no individual aspirations.
You're just a cog in the machine, but I distinctly remember you saying you just wanted to be part of that team.
So I hope you're happy, because you really do lack the courage to actually be fucking free.