Context:
It took me precisely three months to fall in love with my ex. I had my walls up guarded, and he claimed to completely understand me. He swore that he accepted me for all my emotions, the negative and the positive. I get scared of ever admitting that I love anyone, I think the only person I say I love is my dog and my rat, haha. But they're never going to turn around and just tell me to 'Fuck off'. But when I did fall in love, it was the kind of floaty, nothing-feels-quite-real feeling. Though, looking back now, I think I was deluding myself a bit, because he actually lied, like a lot. I remember on our third date, I jokingly asked if he ever dated this girl we both knew, and he said no, only for the day after for him to admit that he had. He downplayed his number of 12 girls, to like 3. I never understood why because I genuinely don't believe it's love unless you accept someone for everything, including their past. I'm starting to think that he never loved himself, and maybe that was my fault, maybe it was my job to get him to love himself, but how could I do that without being let in in the first place?
But as my little token, I actually wrote this poem for him (I don't even think he ever read it, because when I asked him what he thought, he replied with something that didn't even make sense):
This Way [Love, Part one]
I can't explain
I can't explain
I can't explain
I just, I can't explain
Take this feeling away
for I fear it alluding
with too much hope
and, I can't quite say
but take this feeling away
I can't explain
I can't explain
I can't explain
I just, I can't explain
It's rotting my soul
destroying all that I am
take this feeling away
I am scared
and I don't know how to say
I am feeling shy
I can't explain
I can't explain
I can't explain
I just, I can't explain
why my heart feels this. way
_________________________________________
Context:
And then about five months later, I was left writing this one. This was one of the poems I wrote after he had some shitty attitude with me over me having a second job. He would have four days off a week, yet still claimed he never had time to do anything. As it was he actually had more days off a week than I, and I just wanted to be able to spend at least one of my days off with him. But time and time again, he would bullshit me with fake plans he'd apparently made. The amount of times he claimed to be ill, or grocery shopping was ridiculous. And honestly, I actually wouldn't mind grocery shopping with someone, as an adult it's no suprise that time is restricting, so fitting in necessary chores whilst spending time together isn't really that much of a big deal. But, honest to God, I'm starting to think all he did was just lie through his teeth. And the only 'evidence' he can give for not ever having lied to me was that he spent a lot of money on me. But, That kind of just sounds like he had a guilty conscience constantly so tried to remedy (Ha!) it with spending money. Love can't be bought, and neither can respect, nor can decent companionship. People who throw around their money, instead of their hearts or emotions, or even their experiences aren't really sharing what counts.
So, yeah, I wrote this:
Scared.
I get scared sometimes too
I guess in ways I'm a lot like you
I tear myself down and wonder why I'm sad
I'm a bit dramatic and always think things are bad
Inside of me is a lot of positivity.
I get scared to let it out sometimes
but if I did would you still accept me?
I can spend nights crying my eyes out
There are inners fears, they can break me
I just want to scream, scream and shout
I'm locked inside walls,
that I'm afraid to let down
Sometimes Panic calls
and I want to escape town
But I am no coward, I'm merely a figher
I am always honest, never a liar.
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I think when it comes to letting go of your past, it's important to recognise it's significance and appreciate whatever growth it gave to you. Nothing is without reason. However, I am discovering there are lessons to have been learnt out of it, and that is to be more guarded, without being too cold.
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